Ivy League Aspirant Gifts

"I want a top education, but don't milk me dry with school fees."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"I wanted to be a baseball player 'til I found out they send you to the showers."

My coach wants me to go to soccer camp. Focusing on one sport isn't good for you. But mom! I'll develop crucial life skills. Let's see. "Landing endorsements, agents and college sports scholarships." The definition of "crucial".

Come on! They're posting the spring musical. I can't wait! I want a romantic part! With and elegant gown. Good luck with that! We're doing "Cats."

"Because when you're drafted by the pros, you'll have to be able to sign your contract. That's why you have to attend first grade."

"No, I'm not the first in my family to attend college. But I am the first at an Ivy."

Ian McWit, Attorney at Law, Body by Joe's Gym, Mind by Harvard.

A backup plan might be a good idea, in case 'being a celebrity' doesn't work out...

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

A scarecrow goalie

Not The Real Me

Charlie's medical advice always went in one ear and out the other.

"Oh, it's a grand day for Harvard!"

'It's great that you want a career in football, Timothy, but don't you think being a striker would be more fun than being a goalpost.'

'When you talk about playing, 'at the next level', you mean lawyering, right, not the NBA?'

I'm trying out for the spring play. You'll be great! Ha! You'll be grateful to be an usher, Meryl Creep. Yeah. The good parts go to real actors. Sigh. The arts are sooo uplifting.

'I told my teacher that I won't be returning to school. I'm trying out for a pro basketball team, and her services are no longer required.'

'When I grow up, if I don't become a pro basketball player, about about 'spin doctor'?'

'I want to be a professional Polo player too when I grow up...Can I have your autograph please?'

"To be honest, it just collects dust."

'I want to be a professional Polo player too when I grow up... Can I have your autograph please?'

"If you work hard enough, and find the right reality show, you can grow up to be anything you want."

"Coach said I can be catcher if I gain 30 pounds."

Man and woman surrounded by ivy.

Ernie, I hear you're an amateur botanist who believes some plants are baseball fans. Yes, ivy plants root for the Chicago Cubs and dream of being in Wrigley Field themselves on day. King Ferns are fans of the Kansas City Royals. Cattails follow the Detroit Tigers. And Redwood trees are huge supporters of their local team in San Francisco. That makes sense. Giants love the Giants! Redwood trees are the team's biggest fans!

Yale shadow

"When I left Princeton, I spent a summer briefcasing in Europe."

New Years Resolutions: Join Gym. . .Cancel Gym.

"Why, it's Daphne—home from Foxcroft."

'Jeff! You need to keep one foot on the ground!'

"I know you went to Harvard, but stop asking to see my resume."

"I consider it an honor just to be sitting with someone who's thinking of becoming an actress."

Spin Dentistry...'Hollywood, here I come...'

'Yale's my first choice but any ivy school will do.'