Itchy Improviser Gifts

"Higher...to the right. Ahhh...that's nice!"

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'OK, so I fumbled. Now can you cure it or not?'

Jazz is Invented

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

'I'm re-enacting a battle with my conscience.'

The Hammer

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'These spare Christmas decorations make perfect bird scarers.'

'I made a Valentine's Day card for you. The school has no art supplies so I wrote the color in.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

"When you tell your Father how you're dropping out of college to be a renaissance faire entertainer, the least you could do is break character."

The Augie Twins write music strictly for their own amusement.

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

'I'm a loaf of bread.'

"My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references."

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

"Thanks for coming in again. Sorry about the last time. I must have pulled the wrong lever by mistake."

"It's just until the air conditioning in our house is fixed."

Thesaurus Editors Applicants,Candidates,Entrants,Inquirers,Job-seekers.

Washing Line - "I thought you wanted a clothes dryer."

"The line in the script was actually 'Woof woof,' but, when we started shooting, 'Bow wow' came out, and the rest is history."

'We added on to the couch.'

"That's not a mistake, that's jazz."

'Sometimes if things blow onto the canvas I just leave em there.'

Joe was so poor, his dog was a tumbleweed.

Piano desk.

Inflate a job!

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

"You're a fool, Carl - a fool and an idiot."

"I said no to a man cave but I compromised on a dugout."

'So one day I said to myself, 'What am I doing living in this run down house when I could be living on my boat?'

'The problem isn't your high definition television, it's your low definition eyes.'