Itchy Improviser Pillows

"Higher...to the right. Ahhh...that's nice!"

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

Jazz is Invented

'OK, so I fumbled. Now can you cure it or not?'

'I'm re-enacting a battle with my conscience.'

The Hammer

'OK, the worn out carpeting proves I snack too much. Only one thing to do. Tomorrow I get prices on hardwood floors.'

'These spare Christmas decorations make perfect bird scarers.'

'I made a Valentine's Day card for you. The school has no art supplies so I wrote the color in.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"When you tell your Father how you're dropping out of college to be a renaissance faire entertainer, the least you could do is break character."

Your performance since you came here suggests you may have lied on your resume.

'Well, you always said you wanted a water feature for the garden.'

The Augie Twins write music strictly for their own amusement.

"My next song is a little ditty about why I don't have any references."

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

'I'm a loaf of bread.'

"Thanks for coming in again. Sorry about the last time. I must have pulled the wrong lever by mistake."

"It's just until the air conditioning in our house is fixed."

"The line in the script was actually 'Woof woof,' but, when we started shooting, 'Bow wow' came out, and the rest is history."

"That's not a mistake, that's jazz."

Washing Line - "I thought you wanted a clothes dryer."

Thesaurus Editors Applicants,Candidates,Entrants,Inquirers,Job-seekers.

'We added on to the couch.'

I work all day landscaping. I'm too tired to do all the yard work at home. Teddy, you're big enough to use my power tools. I know exactly who to call for help. Tap tap tap. Not the power tool I was referring to.

'Sometimes if things blow onto the canvas I just leave em there.'

Inflate a job!

'Is there an elvis in the building?!'

"You're a fool, Carl - a fool and an idiot."

Joe was so poor, his dog was a tumbleweed.

"I said no to a man cave but I compromised on a dugout."

'So one day I said to myself, 'What am I doing living in this run down house when I could be living on my boat?'

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

Piano desk.