Island Survival Humorist Gifts

'I say! Fancy a date, old thing?'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'Luxury cruise you said!'

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

"This is a great school but it wasn't my first choice."

'If we hadn't outsourced the staff, we could've eaten them.'

'I've been sitting on this mountain for 25 years, and what I've learned is that true happiness can only be found in the soothing relief of a fast-acting hemorrhoid cream!'

Shark food pyramid.

Dear Diary, 36 weeks on this island and I'm starting to feel that I'll never get rescued."

'The trick to scaring surfers is to only show your dorsal fin when you surface next to them...'

Tsunami Evac Route

'Oh, that's just great. It's not bad enough I'm stranded here. Now I'm trapped in an invisible box.'

"You can find me on Inkedin."

Echo Mountain...NO Yodeling! - Falling rock zone.

'You are here' sign on desert island.

Scene on the English coast.

"If you hurry, you can make the matinée."

"What, no day spa? And you call this a luxury bunker."

'Bottled water or other non-carbonated diet beverage!'

Ocean Liners will be Ocean Liners

A man on a desert island has an inbox and outbox both filled with sand.

"It's odd, but once I'm full, the last thing I want to smell is blood in the water."

"I like a diet rich in surfers."

'Have you ever wondered how deep the ocean would be without sponges?'

"Now you can send it."

'It is truly embrarrassing Doc: I faint at the sight of blood... Can you help me?'

"Wow, 27, not bad! Me, I've ruined 53 surfing competitions..."

Jelly Fish

"What's that clicking sound?"

"Sure he's cute, but we should have discussed this."

'Have you got a sand wedge?'

'Oh no, he's only the Health and Safety Officer.'

'Rest assured, your fear of harpoons is anything but irrational.'

Before we can rescue you...you need a safety check.

Randy, if you were stranded on an island, what's the one book you'd want to have along with you? Easy: Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy. It's got the perfect heft to knock coconuts out of trees. Well, I'd like to have How to Get off an Island, by Archie MacGuyver. That title's actually a metaphor for overcoming shyness. We really should have our own book review show.