Ironic Love Enthusiast Gifts

'While my friends all smuggle up with their husbands and children, I receive thanks for another doomed relationship.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Look! No hands!"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

Emergency Phone.

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

'...And then, I guess our relationship got TOO meaningful.'

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'