Ironic Enthusiast Gifts

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

'I couldn't get the cap off the prescription bottle. What did you die of?'

Therapists to watch out for: 'How long have you had this unnatural fear of wolves?'

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

'Hey man that's a gas!'

"I died of old age, an eighty year old in an invalid scooter knocked me over."

"They're all down there sentenced to an an eternity of fornication, licentiousness and intoxication."

"Look, a plastic punk!!"

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

The Snarky District

"Keep your money, sir. I'm on strike!"

Emergency Phone.

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"