Ironic Profession Enthusiast Gifts

In marriage guidance - "I think it's our jobs...he owns a candy shop and I'm a dentist."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

The Snarky District

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Keep your money, sir. I'm on strike!"

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

Emergency Phone.

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."