Ironic Profession Enthusiast Pillows

In marriage guidance - "I think it's our jobs...he owns a candy shop and I'm a dentist."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

Emergency Phone.

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

The Snarky District

"Keep your money, sir. I'm on strike!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

"It was a lot more satisfying before 'catch and release.'"

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

"Bill is in charge of our Ethics Department."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"