Irony Aficionado Pillows

"Admit it, we're lost."

Do it yourself - Get someone else to do it

No Soliciting. Especially if it's for a good cause.

'I don't share my toilet water. I don't know where your mouth has been.'

"If you've got a complaint put it in writing!"

'My son is a corporate communications director. He never calls and he never writes.'

Curing Hemorrhoids Seminar

Performance reviews in Hell.

'Have you tried limping?'

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I will now skillfully evade questions from the audience.'

"Wait! Come Back!"

"You've solved 1 problem by creating 10 problems, you certainly are executive material"

Good News / Bad News

'Here's mine, water dominates, dress warm as you enter a chilly phrase...'

"Well, I'll be darned. They had just walked away."

When victim impact statements go horribly wrong.

Bob hated his motivational poster as much as it hated him.

World ends tomorrow.

Health and safety officer Hedley seconds before he became ex-health and safety officer...

'Captain! There aren't enough noodles!!' - (Ship- ACME Novelty Co,)

'Excuse me, your stockings are wrinkled.'

Man in front of Stop sign smelling roses.

'Let's call it even; you sell me the phony Louis Vuitton and I'll pay for it with this phony hundred.'

He never could fit in.

'Communist.'

"I just found out a hacker stole my identity crisis."

'The one hope we have for repeat customers is amnesia.'

Safes for sale

'Well, if you're in such a hurry, why did you order snails?'

'Well, to be honest, I am a little surprised. You look so much taller on TV.'

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

Bernie Madoff finally behind bars: Hey boys! Anyone interested in sound financial advice?

Penguin reading book entitled, 'Fear of Flying'.

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

'It's just as the sign says, you've got the loan for 24 hours.'