Irony Enjoyer Pillows

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

Anger Management classroom brawl.

'Wait! Wait a minute! Would you hold my glasses?'

'You're looking well.'

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

Logistics Experts

'I bought you a book to read. It explains the correct way to fix a roof!'

With our new superfast computers we can get the forecast wrong TWICE as fast as we used to...MET OFFICE

Priceless antiques priced to sell!

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

Closing Laugh Optician

"I'm cured! I'm cured! So what's the betting that I won't relapse?"

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"This is cultural appropriation."

'The good news is I'm no longer living with my parents.'

'Sorry, we don't treat stab wounds.'

'... And how long have you had this feeling that everybody thinks you're clumsy?'

"If you want to maintain your standard of living after retirement, you should really consider a personal pension."

'It's a questionnaire asking why you're interested in early retirement.'

'Sorry sir, we've changed our policy...now we don't care.'

Assets of �76 million and not one rubber band.

'A Chastity Ring? - How does that work then?'

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

I'd also like the interior cleaned.

'No, I insist, after you.'

'I'm getting water-logged.'

'Spot.'

Lost my mojo.

'What happened to page two of 'theft in the workplace'?' 'It's been stolen!'

"Can I help you?"

'Spatula.'

"My windproof, waterproof, shockproof lifetime guaranteed watch just fell down the sewer grate!"

'Sorry you lost your job, but I'm sure you'll get back on your feet.