Irony Enjoyers Pillows

I use to file your expenses at the office Mr. Henderson, but I never dreamed I'd be one of them.

"I guess laughter wasn’t the best medicine."

"Oh crap, my mood ring!"

You cannot tell anybody what I'm about to tell you. Fear not. I'm the keeper of many secrets. People confide in me because I'm big. They trust a large man. Really? That's what I tell people. Well, you are large. So let's begin. I've no clue why that works.

You can never escape from stress because... the world is made up of only two kinds of people: those who ride motorcycles, and those who have to listen to the people riding them.

"And now she's dating a man, of all people."

"I'm glad I found the time to join this meeting, otherwise we wouldn't see each other in years!"

'Oh drat. I forgot to mail in this month's house insurance payment.'

'O.K. I did wish to be a star.'

If you're as old as you feel, how come I can't get Medicare

"Hey, look. There goes Lou McDevitt, my financial planner."

"Pollyanna, your teeth are shot. Stop sugar coating everything!"

Noise Abatement Society

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings