Irony Appreciateer Pillows

"...now I have fun blocking sports cars with my minivan."

'Last night I dreamed of how to obtain everlasting peace on Earth... luckily, it was forgotten when I awoke...'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"You've changed."

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."