Ironic Appreciator Pillows

Starving Artist Show has paintings of food.

Golf courses on the rough side of town.

"Suddenly, around January 15th, people become very tight fisted."

Misfortune Cookie

'Thanks for coming, you're the best parents ever.'

'John thinks I'm part of the furniture.'

Antiques, Furniture Stripping, Stripping.

"I know you and Magdalena don't get along too well...but it's great when she visits. She's so giving!"

Big business is not evil

"It's just a tiny hole in the wall but the food is awful..."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"Who's got the hammer?"

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"You've changed."

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."