Ironic Situation Appreciator Pillows

Committee On Feline Healthcare

'The entire Nadler family was devoured by a flesh-eating bathroom fungus.'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"Who's got the hammer?"

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

"You've changed."

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

Deer Season Open.

"Ooh look Derek. A shooting star. Quick make a wish"

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

"...But ASIDE from that, how was your trip to France?"