Awkward Situation Appreciator Pillows

"It's an adjustment being a handshake guy in a fist-bump company."

"Pretty woman, gettin' on the lift. Pretty woman, seems like she's kinda miffed."

"Well, by golly you may be right. I think that IS a rectal thermometer."

"And with that being said Polly became dinner." "Polly wanna cracker?" "Polly wanna piece of yo mama's sweet behind." "Oh boy..."

"I really think I can handle this date on my own."

'Gail, my dear, please don't talk about sex - my God this is a restaurant!'

"Look, don't worry. I'm a doctor...I've seen it all and it's totally confidential."

Colin had heard that women liked honesty in men.

'Speaking strictly as your brother I - uh, what flush'

"I made a big mistake getting into ladies underwear..."

'The return of the Jehovah's Witnesses'

"You want me to pee in that cup. From here?"

Showbiz Awards

'Let's see here... Mr. Stevens... it says you slipped in the tub and hit your head.'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

'We've got a special this week on nose hairs!'

When we met, you told me you make a lousy first impression. Well, guess what: You also make a lousy second impression. Actually, my only decent impression is Kirk Douglas. Wanna hear it?

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

Bad Interview Technique

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

Would madam like me to send over the sympathy steward?

"If you think the first half of this psychological test is intrusive, wait until you're grilled by me mother."

"You think you hate me now, but just wait until I'm old and a burden to you."

"Let's start with a couple of glasses of water and if that goes well I'll order two coffees."

Waiter does not want to see customer make bubbles in his wine.

"Such a cute doggie! And I'll bet you make the cutest poopies too, don't you?"

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

Speed Dating Disasters

"I'm sensing an awkward presence."

Committee On Feline Healthcare

"Are you blushing?!"

"Don't make eye-contact, don't make eye-contact..."

"Good evening, I'm your date. Let me begin by saying I'm sorry I'm late, I'm sorry I'm bald and I'm sorry I'm short."