Ironic Wit Appreciator Pillows

'May I have $50 to buy a round for the house, sir? — I'm a social drinker.'

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Always empty your fridge before starting a diet.

"It says: 'The teamwork that got you here is the real treasure.' Aww."

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

"You've changed."

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

Deer Season Open.

"Ooh look Derek. A shooting star. Quick make a wish"

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"...But ASIDE from that, how was your trip to France?"

Chaos Theory - a butterfly flaps its wings...

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

I'd like to take this menu and shove it where the sun don't shine. But I'll settle for the omelette & hash browns...

"I'd kill for a fresh fruit fritter."

Mayhem, Inc. Part 1: Prologue

"I work out in preparation for being out of shape for the next 30 years."