Irony Savorer Pillows

"You're not stepping on it right."

"I'm A Gigantic Starfish Endowed With The Gift Of Speech, Not A Miracle Worker."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.