Irony Savorer Gifts

"You're not stepping on it right."

"I'm A Gigantic Starfish Endowed With The Gift Of Speech, Not A Miracle Worker."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

'If this is tea, I'll have a coffee. If it's a coffee, I'll have a tea!'

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'Dear Diarrhea, Day 84. Well, I'm constipated again today...'

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'