Irony Enjoyer T-Shirts

"I can cure your back problem, but there's a risk that you'll be left with nothing to talk about."

'You don't need a colonoscopy, but I'm sending you for one because, quite frankly, I don't like you.'

Anger Management classroom brawl.

'Wait! Wait a minute! Would you hold my glasses?'

'You're looking well.'

"Good news, chief, a computer virus destroyed all our documents."

Logistics Experts

'I bought you a book to read. It explains the correct way to fix a roof!'

With our new superfast computers we can get the forecast wrong TWICE as fast as we used to...MET OFFICE

'Of course he didn't believe the stork story. Try telling him we made him with a 3D printer.'

Closing Laugh Optician

Priceless antiques priced to sell!

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"I think we can agree that the bridge collapsing is not a good thing."

'The good news is I'm no longer living with my parents.'

"I'm cured! I'm cured! So what's the betting that I won't relapse?"

"This is cultural appropriation."

'Sorry, we don't treat stab wounds.'

'Look Reg, a ship...we're saved!'

'Sorry sir, we've changed our policy...now we don't care.'

'A Chastity Ring? - How does that work then?'

Assets of �76 million and not one rubber band.

'It's a questionnaire asking why you're interested in early retirement.'

'... And how long have you had this feeling that everybody thinks you're clumsy?'

"If you want to maintain your standard of living after retirement, you should really consider a personal pension."

'Spatula.'

"Can I help you?"

I'd also like the interior cleaned.

'No, I insist, after you.'

'I'm getting water-logged.'

'Spot.'

Lost my mojo.

'What happened to page two of 'theft in the workplace'?' 'It's been stolen!'

'The bears are very well-behaved.'

'You knew I wasn't the marrying kind when you married me!'