Ironies Enthusiast Pillows

I used to be a GP, but I wanted a job where I got more public support!

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"Of course he's smiling. He's getting $15,000 to give a lecture on free speech."

"You've got to fill in these forms to join the 'How to reduce bureaucracy' seminar."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"On a more positive note the guidance we’ve published on the services we can’t provide is published in 37 different languages."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

"I don't think you're getting enough stress."

'And remember to emphasize we're giving them the opportunity to find a better job.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

Though he created more than 300 products from peanuts, George Washington Carver was unable to change even one of them back into a peanut.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Technology isn't making me smarter. It's allowing me to be dumb, faster."

Bob had to confront his fear of butterflies.

"I bought it off the therapist who's helping me kick my compulsive shopping disorder."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"All natural snow cones for sale."

Horror movies

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"I've no idea. Maybe it's the slumber channel."

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

"No writers were harmed or mistreated in the preparation of this story."

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

Backfire

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'