Ironic Love Enthusiast Pillows

'While my friends all smuggle up with their husbands and children, I receive thanks for another doomed relationship.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

'According to our statistics department, 78.93 of the statistics they produce are worthless.'

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"So then, after I'd invented my time machine, I thought: why not go back and visit the good old days?"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"It says 'break glass' but it doesn't say what glass!'

'The meek shall inherit the Earth!'

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"Look! No hands!"

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."

"Well, look at the bright side, Timmy — you're 100 percent wrong."

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Emergency Phone.

'There will be no raises this year since the state now has a lottery.'

Bookstore, the Politically Incorrect Guide to You.

'Of course I stretched first. That's how I hurt myself.'

"We'll destroy it to the ground ... ...and then..."

"After a long day or remote work, it feels great to change into something less comfortable."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'Half-baked beans, low fat variety' "Who says we have no taste?"

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

'My pessimism keeps me optimistic.'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

I thought you said Megson couldn't be bought.

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

"Wait, you're firing me?! But I was Time magazine’s Person of the Year!"

Gardening Calendar: January - The Snow will be deep now...get out into the garden...

"And finally, I’d like to thank all those people I stepped on and used to get here. I couldn’t have done it without your submissive insecurity and relentless resignation."

“I may not know much about books, but I do know which titles burn best.”