Investment Sceptic Gifts

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

Valuable business advice from some famous disruptive technologies.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Stock market investment advice

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'Whenever they discuss trickle-down economics, I have to go to the bathroom.'

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

'If America's economy is so bad how can we afford a billion dollars on presidential campaigns?'

How Trickle Down Economics Work

'The bailouts worked, the stock market shot up to 15,000 and everyone was relieved.'

This horse isn't dead. It's just sleeping.

Deposits insured by the U.S. Government (which has a $4.2 trillion debt).

'Bulls and bears are my yin and yang.'

We lost money in every division, but through the magic of accounting, our Take A Penny Leave A Penny trays earned $46 million.

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

"Well, by that logic no one would ever shave a clock onto a monkey."

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

The private sector is a parasite on the economy.

'I want you stop referring to our grant as 'The Big Dipper.''

'In an effort to make our economic reporting and projections more accurate, our resident weatherman will be delivering the economic news.'

Assets $2,400,000,000 Liabilities $4,6000,000,000 Government Bailout $2,200,000,000

Guide to Working Class Investing

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

'It will bring economic benefits to the North and Midlands.'

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

How Supply-Side Economics Works.

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."