Funding Skeptic Gifts

Research For Money

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

Stock market investment advice

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

Scientific Research: 'Uh...why'd it take'em 20 yeahs t' figyah that out?'

We lost money in every division, but through the magic of accounting, our Take A Penny Leave A Penny trays earned $46 million.

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

The private sector is a parasite on the economy.

'I want you stop referring to our grant as 'The Big Dipper.''

Guide to Working Class Investing

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

'Good Lord, what is it this week? New equipment for your kid's soccer team?'

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"Have you ever wanted something so bad that you'd actually save up the money to buy it?"

"If you had $1,000, and I asked you for a loan of $23.47, what percent of your original money would you left?"

'I need a small, temporary tax hike - I found a great investment opportunity in Nigeria.'

'If this is a democracy, how come voters don't get matching funds?'

"We’ve been told to cut the drugs budget so in future Louella here will be chanting away your pain."

"You know it almost BEGGARS belief that so many people are unwilling to pay for professional pension advice."

"I invested $1000 in Nortel and now my shares are worth 18 cents."

'According to the voice-stress analyzer, he's not going to lower taxes.'

Deposits Insured By The U.S. Government (which has a $29 Trillion Debt).

'This next song is about a close call and a near success. It's called The Grant that Got Away.'

'It's not a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi FUND.'

'Rumors...'

Home improvements do not always represent a sound investment.

"I just want enough to get out of the country, and disappear forever."

see no evil...hear no evil...SEC can't even spell evil

"Full disclosure: I served five years for bank fraud."

The Potato Salad Society