Investment Sceptic Pillows

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

'Williams, we're not used to receiving such excellent ideas as these, so we'd like to tone them down a bit.'

Valuable business advice from some famous disruptive technologies.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Stock market investment advice

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'Whenever they discuss trickle-down economics, I have to go to the bathroom.'

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

"Well you said you wanted a simple, cheap solution!" (IT Solutions).

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

'If America's economy is so bad how can we afford a billion dollars on presidential campaigns?'

'The bailouts worked, the stock market shot up to 15,000 and everyone was relieved.'

This horse isn't dead. It's just sleeping.

"Well, by that logic no one would ever shave a clock onto a monkey."

We lost money in every division, but through the magic of accounting, our Take A Penny Leave A Penny trays earned $46 million.

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

"I don't care if it does have wifi. . . it's a vegetable peeler!"

The private sector is a parasite on the economy.

Deposits insured by the U.S. Government (which has a $4.2 trillion debt).

'Bulls and bears are my yin and yang.'

'I want you stop referring to our grant as 'The Big Dipper.''

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

'In an effort to make our economic reporting and projections more accurate, our resident weatherman will be delivering the economic news.'

'It will bring economic benefits to the North and Midlands.'

Assets $2,400,000,000 Liabilities $4,6000,000,000 Government Bailout $2,200,000,000

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

"The most important feature of economic predictions is trying not to laugh while making them."

How Supply-Side Economics Works.

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

"They hired a cat to distract them from thoughts of change."