Investment Skeptic Pillows

'We make cents out of your dollars.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'Rumors...'

Financial Advice - 'Yes, this product will make a lot of money, but not necessarily for you.'

Home improvements do not always represent a sound investment.

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

'You have to spend money to make money, and Walter just HATES it.'

"I don't have to worry about my investments; it's a perk of not having any."

'To lose weight, I decided to bite only responsible and honest investment bankers. Look at me now - I'm thinner than a super model!'

'...And then, all the investment newsletter I was subscribing to went bankrupt!'

"So, that's your advice is it? Go to Vegas and put it all on black'?"

In a major cost saving effort, a local developer installed fake store fronts because they figured nobody would notice.

"Urgent. Invest now. One mop and bucket - the cleaner."

'I need a small, temporary tax hike - I found a great investment opportunity in Nigeria.'

'I need a small, temporary tax hike - I found a great investment opportunity in Nigeria.'

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

"You know it almost BEGGARS belief that so many people are unwilling to pay for professional pension advice."

'Stock Market Investment Advice. Don't.'

"I invested $1000 in Nortel and now my shares are worth 18 cents."

Securities for $50 and you want to be sure they won't become worthless by a sharp drop? Well...why don;t you go to buy some stamps, lady?

'How did your big investment go, dear?'

Guide to Working Class Investing

"He put all his money in bonds that were backed by some guy named Turk."

"And to think if I hand't been home having dinner I might have missed this wonderful investment opportunity."

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Stock market investment advice

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

'Whenever they discuss trickle-down economics, I have to go to the bathroom.'

"These are magic beans, my boy. Their value comes from growth and scale, not revenue."

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'