Investment Worriers Pillows

'Having investment jitters when the market is not experiencing jitters, is perfectly normal.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"All we have to fear is fear itself and unmet quarterly projections."

Stock market investment advice

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

Pillaging, formerly Acquisitions Department

'Why do I get the impression that my 401(k) isn't performing well.'

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"Double whammy. My weight now exceeds my credit score."

"Grandma! What big medical bills you have!"

Rogue Traders from Parallel Universes.

"Give it to me straight, doc. Will I outlive social security and medicare?"

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

'Climate change seems to be a real thing... in the past, our money was sufficient till the 25th of a month. Nowadays, it's melted away on the 15th.'

Be thankful we didn't invest social security funds in the stock market.

The Circle.

'One question. Now that death's over and done with, do I still have to worry about taxes?'

"Do you mind? I'm reading the prospectus carefully before investing."

'I need a small, temporary tax hike - I found a great investment opportunity in Nigeria.'

Energy Bills

'Hold everything! -- The National Endowment for the Arts changed its mind!'

"All I did was ask it if we'll ever collect Social Security and Medicare."

'Have you seen the financial pages?' - 'Yes, things are going to get a lot worse before the get worse.'

"You know it almost BEGGARS belief that so many people are unwilling to pay for professional pension advice."

'Unfortunately, medical science hasn't come up with a cure for 'stock market jitters.'

The End of Economic Stimulus is Near!

"I don't know what we'll do when our adjustable-rate mortgage resets."

"We were wondering if now would be a good time to panic."

'It's not a Ponzi scheme. It's a Ponzi FUND.'

"Hurry it up, Solomon Brothers are waiting for my decision"

'Rumors...'