Investment Advisor Gifts

"He manages a broad stock index fund."

New York Stock Exchange: No Bulls or Bears were injured in today's trading.

"I'm looking for a hedge against my hedge funds."

"Yes, I'm still getting up early, but these days it's to check on the spot markets for oil and natural gas."

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

'See if our technical people can get this up and running.'

'The price of a stock will fluctuate on these three factors...'

"You have to think long-term. You can't afford to be old yet."

'We advise all of our clients not to hire the most brilliant managers. Risk varies inversely with knowledge, otherwise there would be many more wealthy university professors.'

"What do you have in investment-grade reds?"

"The Fed today explained the reason they raise interest rates is so they can lower them again..."

"Instead, let me be your investment advisor and get you eleven-per-cent return, year in and year out, regardless of market conditions."

'Your investment are not working out because your hindsight is 20/20 and your foresight is 20/400.'

Economic Outlook Conference - 'Remember the seating is optimist, pessimist, optimist,...'

'I'm going to recommend a stock that has consistently outperformed the market since this afternoon.'

In the Guru District

Unethical banking

The Fed's Next Interest Rate Hike Is Near!

'All you're ever interested in are get-rich-quick schemes. What's your hurry?'

"I'll tell you the meaning of life, if you tell me why bond prices drop when interest rates go up."

The Economic Forecast - Doom and Gloom

'Exactly how much do you have to speculate before anything starts to accumulate?'

Save! O% interest on your deposits.

'If you're so smart, why don't you have some Index Funds in your portfolio.'

"You two have done very well hunting and gathering...perhaps it's time for some investment planning?"

"I rolled over my 401K into the football pool."

Office of economic forecasting.

"Well, at least it is a dividend stock."

'Replaced by analytical software. I should have seen it coming.'

'The nice thing about America is, no matter how the economy is doing, you can always blame the Chairman of the Federal Reserve.'

'There is no evidence use of steroids by fund managers will improve profits.'

'The hunting and gathering has worked for you, but as you get older, it;s time to switch to dividend-yielding bonds.'

Laughing all the way to the bank.

"O.K., don't e-mail this to anyone, but we're shorting black big time."

"It's the middle of the inning and the investment advisors have taken the field."