Investment Advisor Pillows

'He's from Goldman Sacks.'

"He manages a broad stock index fund."

New York Stock Exchange: No Bulls or Bears were injured in today's trading.

"I'm looking for a hedge against my hedge funds."

"Yes, I'm still getting up early, but these days it's to check on the spot markets for oil and natural gas."

'We're expecting stocks to rally but we don't know which ones and when.'

'See if our technical people can get this up and running.'

"You have to think long-term. You can't afford to be old yet."

'The price of a stock will fluctuate on these three factors...'

'We advise all of our clients not to hire the most brilliant managers. Risk varies inversely with knowledge, otherwise there would be many more wealthy university professors.'

"What do you have in investment-grade reds?"

"The Fed today explained the reason they raise interest rates is so they can lower them again..."

"Instead, let me be your investment advisor and get you eleven-per-cent return, year in and year out, regardless of market conditions."

'Your investment are not working out because your hindsight is 20/20 and your foresight is 20/400.'

Economic Outlook Conference - 'Remember the seating is optimist, pessimist, optimist,...'

'I'm going to recommend a stock that has consistently outperformed the market since this afternoon.'

In the Guru District

The Fed's Next Interest Rate Hike Is Near!

Unethical banking

"I'll tell you the meaning of life, if you tell me why bond prices drop when interest rates go up."

The Economic Forecast - Doom and Gloom

'All you're ever interested in are get-rich-quick schemes. What's your hurry?'

'If you want to save for the winter forget nuts, go with mutual funds.'

Save! O% interest on your deposits.

'Exactly how much do you have to speculate before anything starts to accumulate?'

"Well, at least it is a dividend stock."

Office of economic forecasting.

'If you're so smart, why don't you have some Index Funds in your portfolio.'

"I rolled over my 401K into the football pool."

'Replaced by analytical software. I should have seen it coming.'

"You two have done very well hunting and gathering...perhaps it's time for some investment planning?"

Laughing all the way to the bank.

'There is no evidence use of steroids by fund managers will improve profits.'

'The nice thing about America is, no matter how the economy is doing, you can always blame the Chairman of the Federal Reserve.'

'The hunting and gathering has worked for you, but as you get older, it;s time to switch to dividend-yielding bonds.'