Investment Adviser Gifts

"There's always an element of risk. No one has a crystal ball. OK, I have one, but no one knows how it works."

'An expert is one who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday didn't happen today.'

"Well yes, Simson. I suppose another way of putting it is 'buy low, sell high.'"

"This is Ludwig. He's our expert in the inverted yield curve."

"My investment adviser told me to go for short term capital gains."

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

"I asked you to send me over a prospectus!"

'Jeez! I never realized just sitting and trying not to look stupid was so exhausting.'

'I'm switching you from long-term growth stocks to short-term bonds.'

'Yes, but which ones and when?'

"As a dog, I'd say, roll over. As your financial advisor, I'd suggest looking for a better rate."

Investment Guru/Lifestyle Guru/Tech Guru/Fashion Guru

Investment Adviser. Giving me my account balance on a neat, orderly statement does not make it a "tidy sum"!

Big risks sometimes means BIG BUCKS!

"Find out if this is a market glitch or just the computer acting up!"

"Here's a chart of a hypothetical $10,000 invested in our fund, as opposed to spending it on wine, women and song."

"Join the crowd, Ms. Goodwin. People are buying our 'apocalypse' stocks like there's no tomorrow!"

"And how, may I ask, do you plan to invest the loot?"

Investment Tips - $4.95

'I'm down to my last 12 billion. Do you hear me complaining?'

'Ed says the 'smart money isn't buying furniture right now.'

'You can't blame your investment adviser - you've been a tramp for 20 years. . .'

'Let me get this straight, Reverend. You would now like to diversify the Church's 'No Sin' endowment to include some 'Greed'?'

'Help! Never found that one great self-help investment book to turn my life around."

"The office next door is vermin-infested...hedge fund managers."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

'I'm sure that one wasn't there last week.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

'Now that I have your attention...'

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

"I was hoping this presentation would be more interesting upside down."

Sen. Krupt. I don't tell constituents that we're fueling inflation. I say we're protecting consumers and thanks to us they won't have to worry about buying any cheap stuff.

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'