Investment Adviser Gifts

"There's always an element of risk. No one has a crystal ball. OK, I have one, but no one knows how it works."

'An expert is one who knows tomorrow why the things he said yesterday didn't happen today.'

"Well yes, Simson. I suppose another way of putting it is 'buy low, sell high.'"

"This is Ludwig. He's our expert in the inverted yield curve."

"My investment adviser told me to go for short term capital gains."

'You buy low, sell high, leave it all to your unappreciative kids, then die. That's it...'

"I asked you to send me over a prospectus!"

'Jeez! I never realized just sitting and trying not to look stupid was so exhausting.'

'I'm switching you from long-term growth stocks to short-term bonds.'

'Yes, but which ones and when?'

"As a dog, I'd say, roll over. As your financial advisor, I'd suggest looking for a better rate."

Investment Guru/Lifestyle Guru/Tech Guru/Fashion Guru

Big risks sometimes means BIG BUCKS!

"Find out if this is a market glitch or just the computer acting up!"

"Here's a chart of a hypothetical $10,000 invested in our fund, as opposed to spending it on wine, women and song."

"Join the crowd, Ms. Goodwin. People are buying our 'apocalypse' stocks like there's no tomorrow!"

"And how, may I ask, do you plan to invest the loot?"

Investment Tips - $4.95

'I'm down to my last 12 billion. Do you hear me complaining?'

'Ed says the 'smart money isn't buying furniture right now.'

'You can't blame your investment adviser - you've been a tramp for 20 years. . .'

'Let me get this straight, Reverend. You would now like to diversify the Church's 'No Sin' endowment to include some 'Greed'?'

'Help! Never found that one great self-help investment book to turn my life around."

"The office next door is vermin-infested...hedge fund managers."

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

'I'm sure that one wasn't there last week.'

"Another week another dollar, Jenkins"

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

'Now that I have your attention...'

British savings accounts

'It's only a hunch, but I think everybody bought everything they needed, last time.'

Late Stage Capitalism and the Biosphere Engage in Some Meaningful Dialogue...

"Stock options for your thoughts."