Interview Planner Gifts

"My secretary will take charge of removing chairs, and eventually there will be just one of you left..."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

"Have a seat with the other candidates for the tech position but be wary of the spit balls."

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"These are excellent qualifications... so good that our largest competitor would gladly pay you twice as much."

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

"What other skills do you obtain other than being able to answer interview questions?"

"The job is yours. You're a jerk, we're all jerks, I think it'll be a great fit!"

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'We need someone bright, someone quick to take notice.'

"And do you have any OTHER skills you can bring to the post apart from being able to burp the Beatles greatest hits?"

"And just how long have you been, 5' 10"?"

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"You're the type who'll make me prove every claim I make."

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

"Very nice résumé. Leave a sample of your DNA with my secretary."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

"Clueless, malleable and not a boat-rocker - you'll go far."

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"I'm sorry, but you wait patiently on the line for an operator. We're looking for someone who immediately pushes 3 for more options."