Interview Consultant Gifts

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

I'm a self-made man!

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"So what makes you think you're qualified for this job?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'I believe in a 'carrot and stick' approach to motivation. The carrot is not to use the stick.'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"Can I multi-task? As a single mom I'm both the bread-winner and bread-baker!"

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'