Interview Specialist Gifts

'Trust Me, I'm in HR.'

Being unable to clearly articulate responses to interview questions is a common mistake...

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'