Interview Optimizer Gifts

"Ok, time to go in there and nail this interview."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'Don't worry about it. If at first we don't succeed, we can do it later and get paid time-and-a-half for it.'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

Your salary as a research assistant is commensurate on your ability of spell, define, and delineate the work 'commensurate.'

"These are excellent qualifications... so good that our largest competitor would gladly pay you twice as much."

"What other skills do you obtain other than being able to answer interview questions?"

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

"The job is yours. You're a jerk, we're all jerks, I think it'll be a great fit!"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'We need someone bright, someone quick to take notice.'

"And just how long have you been, 5' 10"?"

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

"Hmmm...impressive CV! Y'know, I have a feeling that you'll go far in this company...."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"I'm sorry, but you wait patiently on the line for an operator. We're looking for someone who immediately pushes 3 for more options."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

Being unable to clearly articulate responses to interview questions is a common mistake...

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

'We don't believe a word of this c.v... And we'd like to offer you a job.'