Interview Master Gifts

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'...it may be advisable to think of a referee other than your mother.'

"It's a little test to see how much they really want the job."

"Yes, crazy does sometimes beat sane... but rarely during a job interview."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"You shouldn't take it so personally....interviews are a lottery you can't be guaranteed success....somebody else must have offered them a better deal."

'It's not a job; it's a calling. So, don't call us. It'll call you.'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

Accountant to job seeker: 'Any skills besides being good at Sudoku?'

'According to your resume, you've accomplished very little and left no paper trail. Very impressive.'

"I'm afraid a degree from the 'University of hard knocks' isn't QUITE what we're looking for."

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"