Interview Master Pillows

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'...it may be advisable to think of a referee other than your mother.'

"It's a little test to see how much they really want the job."

"Yes, crazy does sometimes beat sane... but rarely during a job interview."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

"You shouldn't take it so personally....interviews are a lottery you can't be guaranteed success....somebody else must have offered them a better deal."

'It's not a job; it's a calling. So, don't call us. It'll call you.'

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

Accountant to job seeker: 'Any skills besides being good at Sudoku?'

'According to your resume, you've accomplished very little and left no paper trail. Very impressive.'

"I'm afraid a degree from the 'University of hard knocks' isn't QUITE what we're looking for."

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for