Interview Prep Master Gifts

'What about short-term? Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

"Yes, confidence is something we look for in our employees,Mr. Wilson, but dress sense is important too."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

Your salary as a research assistant is commensurate on your ability of spell, define, and delineate the work 'commensurate.'

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"What other skills do you obtain other than being able to answer interview questions?"

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

"Have a seat with the other candidates for the tech position but be wary of the spit balls."

"These are excellent qualifications... so good that our largest competitor would gladly pay you twice as much."

"The job is yours. You're a jerk, we're all jerks, I think it'll be a great fit!"

'We need someone bright, someone quick to take notice.'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'You seem qualified. What concerns me is the car you're driving. It's not sending out the right message.'

"And just how long have you been, 5' 10"?"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

'Send in the next applicant Ms Jones.'

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"You're the type who'll make me prove every claim I make."

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

"Very nice résumé. Leave a sample of your DNA with my secretary."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...