Interview Preparation Gifts

"You're the type who'll make me prove every claim I make."

'I think I'm right for this job because I'm a real people person. Now are you going to hire me or not? I don't have all freakin' day!'

'I looked over your resume and the good news is I like the paper it was typed on. Do you really want to know the bad news?'

"ermm...I think I'll phone a friend"

"What we're looking for is somebody of about twenty five with forty years' experience."

'Let's hear you talk the talk... can you say 'No' in Spanish, Russian, French, German, Chinese, Thai...?'

'I see you used to be in ointment.'

'I'd prefer to work from home. I'm under house arrest.'

'You present yourself well, but frankly we're looking for someone with more experience.'

'And did I mention I give an excellent foot massage?'

'Will that be all, or would you like to add a few more ums, ers and ahs?'

"Very nice résumé. Leave a sample of your DNA with my secretary."

"Skip the job description and tell me how clean and well-lighted your bathrooms are!"

'University of Xylongatnyefxodyl - never heard of it!'

"Good interview, Barnes. The crying, begging and pandering were a nice tough."

Really Good Careers: An Equal Opportunity Employer

"Question one. Would you hire you?"

"Actually, we're looking for a 'corporate sniper' version of 'American Sniper'."

"You resume states, 'My only good quality is I purr'. Could you go into that a little more?"

"Well, what I lack in cognitive thinking skills I more than make in moral flexibility."

"We're looking for someone exactly like you."

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"You've made a great effort but I feel you're not really the finished article."

'I see from your resume, that on your last job you were salesperson of the month. Says here that you were given a plague. Do you feel better now?'

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

Human Resources: Chemical Value of the Body - $4.17

"Very impressive application, I didn't even realise there was a Nobel prize for 'Best sales guy on the planet'."

"Any other job skills besides whistling while you work?"

"One of my strengths is that I like to work outside of my comfort zone."

"Nothing personal. We just don't like the look of your typeface."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

"We do appreciate imagination as a quality in candidates, but not when it comes to your qualifications."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."