Job Interview Preparation Gifts

'First off, there's no 'y' in resume...'

Dave realised he was facing the interview panel from hell.

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"...ten years at college must count for something."

'When push comes to shove, I want people who'll push.'

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

"Where do you see yourself in five updates?"

'We really don't like to accept anonymous character references.'

"You're great at hindsight, but we need someone who is more forward looking!"

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

Personnel Dept - I see from your references you're a skilled man.

"I see. Very impressive. Now, what would you say are your weaknesses?"

"What would I bring to the company? After hearing the salary and benefits...a sense of humor."

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

The Job Interview

"The sort of person we are looking for is someone who will work his socks off for very little in return. Are you that sort of person?"

"And I suppose my greatest feature is that I don't mind kissing a little booty to get ahead!"

"You understand that we screen applicants pretty thoroughly."

"Your education in business and management is impressive, but I'm hesitant to put you in a leadership position now that I see you're a lemming."

"I think you may have misinterpreted the idea of an informal interview."

"Sorry, but your good references don't match the passion of your bad ones."

What makes you think you'd make a good bouncer? My enthusiasm...I'm prepared to give anything a bash!

'We are an equal opportunity employer; but you're really pushing it.'

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

'I use that to check for combovers.'

'I'm looking for someone to bask in my glow.'

'I like you, Zog, what you lack in polish, you more than compensate for in clout.'

"Apart from fifty foot away, where do you see yourself, say in the next three months?"

I've got to run to my job interview! Do I have spinach between my teeth?

'Looks overconfident to me.'

Personnel: The PC response...$2.00

I'll be ready for the job interview after I take this call, finish my breakfast sandwich and reheat my coffee.

'Excuse me, sir. How do you spell magna cum laude?'

"How are your computer literacy skills?"

"Well, this all checks out, when can you start?"