Preparing For An Interview Gifts

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

Your salary as a research assistant is commensurate on your ability of spell, define, and delineate the work 'commensurate.'

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

I'm going through your application as we speak.

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

'I see from your C. V. that you're my son...'

"Have a seat with the other candidates for the tech position but be wary of the spit balls."

"This is one of those great jobs you'd be willing to do for free. Will you do it for free?"

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"I must say, that was a very detailed answer to my 'where do you see yourself in five years' question."

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'You seem qualified. What concerns me is the car you're driving. It's not sending out the right message.'

"How long have you been working from home, Mr. Farley?"

Don't use live interviews as rehearsals-practise and prepare.

'Send in the next applicant Ms Jones.'

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"You're the type who'll make me prove every claim I make."

"You're great at hindsight, but we need someone who is more forward looking!"

"Very nice résumé. Leave a sample of your DNA with my secretary."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"I'm sorry, but you wait patiently on the line for an operator. We're looking for someone who immediately pushes 3 for more options."

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

"Your education in business and management is impressive, but I'm hesitant to put you in a leadership position now that I see you're a lemming."