Interview Planner Pillows

"My secretary will take charge of removing chairs, and eventually there will be just one of you left..."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

"What other skills do you obtain other than being able to answer interview questions?"

"Very impressive resume, however you didn't explain why you were tagged and released from your last job."

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"Have a seat with the other candidates for the tech position but be wary of the spit balls."

"These are excellent qualifications... so good that our largest competitor would gladly pay you twice as much."

"The job is yours. You're a jerk, we're all jerks, I think it'll be a great fit!"

'We need someone bright, someone quick to take notice.'

"And do you have any OTHER skills you can bring to the post apart from being able to burp the Beatles greatest hits?"

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

'You seem qualified. What concerns me is the car you're driving. It's not sending out the right message.'

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

'Maybe we should have been a bit more specific in the ad...'

"And just how long have you been, 5' 10"?"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"You're the type who'll make me prove every claim I make."

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

"Very nice résumé. Leave a sample of your DNA with my secretary."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

"Clueless, malleable and not a boat-rocker - you'll go far."