Interview Experiences Gifts

Ted's confidence quickly fades.

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"It's a shame, excellent recommendations and a superb skill set but lacks the boiling hot all consuming ambition and ruthless desire for self promotion required as head of stationary procurement."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

STRIP Hambone: Computer company job interview

"According to your resume, you've done just about everything except ever having a job."

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'