Interviewing Gifts

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'Thanks for coming in. We'll get back to you as soon as we lower our expectations.'

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Phil blows his interview before even sitting down.

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

'At first it looked like you were over qualified for the job. Then we check your resume and discovered most of it was faked.' - Bob finally catches a break.

'I think I'm decisive. Can I get back to you on that?'

'I'm happy to report that the position has been narrowed down to you and 958 other people.'

'You'll notice on my resume that nothing has ever been my fault.'

'I'm very impressed with how you effectively dodged every one of my questions.'

"I'd like to make $3.2 million a year, but I'll settle for $8 an hour."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"You just self-deprecated yourself right out of a job."

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

"The online part of the interview was yesterday."

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'We're looking for someone who either has a good background or can concoct a good story about one.'

"Now tell me about yourself in a ten second sound bite."

'Sorry I'm late, but I had trouble finding your office.'

'Wait a sec...do you want that comment off the record or out of context?'

"It's a little test to see how much they really want the job."

'I know I interviewed for this job last week, but I've reinvented myself six times since then.'

Bob finally catches a break.

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'You're exactly the kind of person we'd like to hire - to be replaced by a computer.'

"Any other skills."

"It says here that in your last job you did a lot of traveling."

"My time as a CEO? Oh, I just made that part up to get your attention."

"I see from your resume you have a black belt in accountancy."

'So Mr. Smith. . . how exactly are you 'uniquely talented' in the field of shoplifting prevention?'

"You may be over qualified."

'I see from your resume, that you have lost two jobs due to tardiness.'

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'