Interviewing Gifts

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'Thanks for coming in. We'll get back to you as soon as we lower our expectations.'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'I'm looking for a workaholic who feels the great job he does is compensation enough.'

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

'At first it looked like you were over qualified for the job. Then we check your resume and discovered most of it was faked.' - Bob finally catches a break.

'I think I'm decisive. Can I get back to you on that?'

'I'm happy to report that the position has been narrowed down to you and 958 other people.'

'You'll notice on my resume that nothing has ever been my fault.'

'I'm very impressed with how you effectively dodged every one of my questions.'

"You just self-deprecated yourself right out of a job."

"Nice touch." - Resume playing music.

"I'd like to make $3.2 million a year, but I'll settle for $8 an hour."

"Now tell me about yourself in a ten second sound bite."

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Wait a sec...do you want that comment off the record or out of context?'

"The online part of the interview was yesterday."

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

'We're looking for someone who either has a good background or can concoct a good story about one.'

'Sorry I'm late, but I had trouble finding your office.'

"It's a little test to see how much they really want the job."

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My time as a CEO? Oh, I just made that part up to get your attention."

"I see from your resume you have a black belt in accountancy."

'I know I interviewed for this job last week, but I've reinvented myself six times since then.'

"It says here that in your last job you did a lot of traveling."

Bob finally catches a break.

"Any other skills."

'You're exactly the kind of person we'd like to hire - to be replaced by a computer.'

'Where do you see yourself five years from now?'

'If you'll lie about your last salary, then you'll lie about your golf handicap, and we can't have that.'

'I see you're highly intelligent. That's fine for academia, but here in the real world we're looking for people with common sense.'

I brought my dog along, to vouch for me.

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

Woman applying for a job in the oil business.