Interview Gifts

NOW HIRING, 'I don't have any formal training for the position, but I've read all the relevant Wikipedia articles.'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have much on the job experience?'

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'

"The pay is nothing to boast about but..."

"This is a wonderful CV Mrs. Wilson!"

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

I'm a self-made man!

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."