Interview Pillows

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have much on the job experience?'

'You'd be right for us if we decide to lower our standards.'

"The pay is nothing to boast about but..."

"This is a wonderful CV Mrs. Wilson!"

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

Do you have any other skills?

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."