Interview Artist Pillows

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

"Soul sucking? Sure. Dead end? Absolutely. But hey, it's a job!"

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Can you do more work then is humanly possible?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

'I'm looking fo someone who can make me laugh.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'What a CV - if you can write memos like this you'll go far in our organisation.'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

Do you have any other skills?

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'