Interview Survivor Gifts

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

"Will this job involve multiple choice, true and false, or essay questions?"

'The interview panel will see you now.'

"Now that the interview process is over, we require that you don't apply anywhere else for 5 years until we make our decision."

"Can you characterize yourself in five words."

"So where do you see yourself in 5 years apart from a thousand miles from this f****** s**thole?"

"The aliens that control my brain really want me to get this job."

It was the harshest job interviews Peter had ever attended...

"Where do you see yourself after 5 beers?"

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"Hell and back. Very impressive."

'Our company's looking for people like you. Not you specifically, but people like you.'

'Well, young man, I see this is your first job interview.'

"A High-Pain Job? Yes, I believe we have that."

'Well, did you get the job?', 'I'm not sure -- I dozed off during the interview.'

"Your credentials are certainly impressive."

'There seems to be a long gap between 'international gigolo' and what you're doing now.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

Do you have any other skills?

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"That's nice, but do you have any references other than your Mom?"

"You say you’re currently holding down 3 jobs...very impressive."

"So, you want to work at our firm, Eh?"

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

Help wanted. Various positions available.

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'