Job Interview Survivor Gifts

'Besides a great smile, do you have any other qualifications we could consider?'

'Your resume is quite outstanding...right up to the part about embezzlement.'

"We want someone who can lead in a crisis, but doesn't."

"Where do you see yourself, say, five recessions from now?"

'Could you go over your companies dental plan one more time please?'

'What was that 'something-or-other' about not being a good listener?'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'The parole board finally came through.'

'I'm sorry, Mr. Krebs, but at present, we're only interested in the employment experience you've had in THIS lifetime.'

"Where do you see yourself in 5 to 10 years?"

"I love your enthusiasm but we were actually looking for someone who could do the job."

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

'We're looking for a candidate who is good at handling unexpected situations!'

'Would you like to think it over and I'll come back later in the week?'

"Think of this as your final callback."

Number two pencil, pretending to be a number one, fears that his deception has been uncovered.

'Your resume looks good and you look tender and juicy.'

Interviewing for a new Servant

"Yer resume says you enjoy spitting in peoples drinks in your spare time. Would you consider doing that professionally?"

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

'How fast can you hype?'

Formal SuitsBusiness SuitsBirthday Suits.

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"Fill out an application? Can't I just text it?"

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

"And where have you previously moused?"

"Where would you see yourself in five years' time?"

"These are the principal qualities we're looking for in our new recruits."

Please sit down. I can give you five minutes.