Interview Survivors Gifts

'We have an opening that will suit you perfectly. It's marked Exit.'

'Where do you see yourself five years from now?'

"My last job was as a mine interpreter...I would go to a park and describe what the mime was trying to convey."

'Why don't you get on your yacht and look for work?'

'How are you at soaking up blame?'

"Can you handle a variety of jobs?"

"Bert, I'm confused. What happens after we circle the wagons, tighten our belts and walk a mile in our customer's shoes? Is that when the chickens come home to roost?"

"How's everybody doing? I'm not boring you, am I?"

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

"I was hoping there'd be no meetings here."

'I don't want your input until you produce some output.'

The vice-president in charge of sincerity

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

"I'm so efficient I can screw up two assignments in the time it takes most people to screw up just one."

'Something tells me this is going to be a long meeting.'

"For cryin' out loud, Frank, we don't have all day! Cut to the cheese!"

'It never fails. I offer a tiny bit of constructive criticism, and everybody accuses me of carping!'

'Brains...brains...brains...'

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"Well, let's quickly put Ken's incredibly incendiary remarks behind us and hopefully continue the discussion in a simmering rage."

"I believe you'll like our company. We pay our employees time and a fifth."

'Thanks, Brian, for your thoughtful and constructive proposal. Without further ado, we'll now dive into malicious, envy-based criticism, character assassination and petty bickering!'

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

'Do we want to tackle this head on, or just stun it with a glancing blow until next Monday?'

Meeting not going well?"

'How many words per minute do you type?'

"People of Earth – can everyone see my screen?"

"Maybe this isn't the right heartless monolithic corporation for you."

Unsuccessful board meeting.

'Your job description is fairly simple: Stay in your cubicle and try not to make things worse.'

"Maybe you do have all the answers but they didn't match any of our questions."

"It drives me mad when people act as though we had nothing to do except write moronic memorandum..."

violence in workplace

"I've called this meeting so I could see all of you squirm."