Interview Veteran Gifts

"They say you are a great warrior."

"As a company, and as individuals, we are without irony. Will that bother you?"

'The good news is that you look good. The bad news is that you're not as good as you look.'

"Maybe this isn't the right heartless monolithic corporation for you."

"You said it would behoove me to ask questions - so what does 'behoove' mean?"

'Now that we've eaten your resume, Mr. Dellingham, we'll ask you to step outside until we've had a chance to digest it.'

I hope a starting salary of 80 and a severance of 12 is acceptable....

'Very impressive educational background...now let's discuss WHO you know.!

'You'll have to take an online company aptitude test, but if you're the designer we're looking for, you've already designed an app for that.'

I'm a self-made man!

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"I love you in a suit. You look so... employed."

"The company is very keen on diversity, could you reapply as a woman?"

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

'It's a senior management position. We need someone who can listen politely, and then say no.'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

Do you have any other skills?

"You work well without supervision? Fat chance of that happening in here!"

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

'You lack the expertise we're looking for, Mr Wheaton - but darn it, I like your attitude.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"In addition to 'loyalty' are there any OTHER qualities you think you could bring to the job?"

You're next, Mr. Kimble - right after his apple danish.

'I treat everyone here the same as my family. . . like s**t.'

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"We offer 104 vacation days...otherwise known as weekends."

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"