Insurance Satire Gifts

'According to this, the only drug your HMO covers is aspirin, and it has to be generic.'

"I'm afraid our healthcare plan only covers the first five litters."

"I'm not really comfortable recommending a course of treatment until I've had the opportunity to bill you for something first."

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

"Remember, Mr. Jones, whatever doesn't kill you makes your health insurance premiums go up."

Single Prayer Health Insurance

"We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

My, grandma, what a big premium you have for a plan that doesn't cover getting eaten by a wolf.

"Trust me, darling. It was only a bumper car ride. I promise, it won't affect your no claims bonus."

'...in sickness and in health, with full coverage or without...'

COMPAGNIE D'ASSURANCE DE PARIS, 'I can't believe you sold an insurance policy to NOSTRADAMUS!'

'Hi! -- I'm selling theory insurance!'

'The biopsy is tiny, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.'

So...who is your provider ?

'Must have had bad weather at the Artist's Colony. All the claims start with 'It was a dark and stormy night.''

Your insurance doesn't cover leeches, but some patients are reporting good outcomes with the escargot.

'Your medical coverage does not consider that a medical necessity.'

You're fine, but we'd like to run some tests on your insurance card.

'Trust me, it's the only way if you want your insurance to cover it.'

'Your policy doesn't cover you against huffing and puffing.'

'I'm afraid that we can't insure you. Our records indicate that you only have one life left'

"Is this Bart from Country Farm? This is Dan the Unrideable. Yep, happened again. "

"Under our health care plan, you get low premiums, a low deductible and a free, yearly probe."

'What do we do in a case like this? -- He's sick because he swallowed his insurance card.'

"Apparently, all the King's horses and all the King's men were out of Humpty's healthcare provider network."

"I just KNEW something like this would happen when I switched health plans. The old plan let me pick my own doctors!"

'Hello, I'd like to apply for some property insurance.'

"Can I interest you in nine life policies?"

'Give it to me straight, doc...what are my chances of making it until the drug benefit kicks in?'

Slipping Insurance $5.

'The house has been repossessed by the Devil ...'

'I'm sorry, Buchanan, our company health plan remains in effect only if you don't get sick.'

We were asked to pay out for a fire started when a dog urinated on a Christmas tree.

'Hello, I'm selling life insurance. Tell me, sir, are you covered?'